Authentic Life

Living true to your own personality, spirit and character. If you have an opportunity, try taking the VIA Survey of Character Strengths.This tool can help to identify the order of your top 24 strengths. Reviewing the top five to ten may provide significant insight into the reasons you do the things you do.  It seems important for a person's core strengths to align with their daily environment. If there is discord, an imbalance exists and conflict is sure to arise. This ultimately is the struggle we face each day.  

Essence

At a recent conference, I participated in a discussion about essence and ego. The facilitator was high energy and spirited. A refreshing change from my typical 9-5 day. Much of her focus was on ESSENCE.  I'll admit, I haven't given this word much thought outside of the occasional Bon Appetit article. It turns out to be rather important, and not just for Aperol cocktails. 

During the workshop, the term essence was described as being joy, love, heart, contentment, peace, response able, servant leader, being and creator.  According to dictionary.com, it is "the basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or its significant individual feature(s)."  The presenter was encouraging individuals to accept their nature and function with it.  So often we put ourselves in conflict with the essence of being.  Forcing ourselves to fit into roles, duties and lives that are overwhelming, stressful and tiring.  Whether you believe that existence comes before essence, or essence exists first, it is important to know what holds you together at the core.

 ti ên einai - the what it was to be.

 

Five on Friday

Time flies. We all rush to get to the end of our work week. Then the weekend is over before we're ready. It's important to slow down and recognize the things that are meaningful in each and every day. Here are my top five for this week.

1. Watching old ladies get big grins while watching my little girl tote her bear around the grocery store.

2. Laughing and smiling so much that my cheeks hurt. Adventure always makes me happy.

3. A husband who cooks.

4. Good conversation with interesting people.

5. People who are willing to give more than they get.

FEAR

APPREHENSION; CONSTERNATION; DISMAY; TERROR; FRIGHT; PANIC; HORROR; TREPIDATION.

Recent fears encountered among women in my life include the following: loss of financial independence, giving up control, not knowing how to meet the expectations, no longer having faith in others to have a plan & to do the right thing, physical abuse, not having a place to sleep each night, making the wrong college choice, being cut open by an impatient doctor, being alone forever.

Each of these women were deciding a course of action. Some were focused on the hope for their desired outcome. Others were fighting back against the fear. A few made choices driven by fear.  What might happen if we all made choices based on what we believe is really best - not just what appears "safe" for the moment?

 

In sports, a person sacrifices on a daily basis. It is framed in a positive way.

• You give your body - fitness training, physical injury, limited diet, sleep deprivation. 
• You give your time - practice, lifting sessions, cross-training, learning plays, watching film, studying your opponent. 
• You trade relationships - teammates for everyone else. 

All of this energy is focused on winning - each match, the whole season, regionals, nationals and world championships. We say it is for fun. Really it is our desire to compete.  To be the best. To be without fear. 

We have all of these resources on an average day: your body, your time and relationships. How do we re-purpose ourselves to dedicate our resources to our own priorities? What happens when we take away the external competitors and are left with one person to compete against - ourself. This creates fear. How high can I set the bar and still make it over? If I fail, there is no one else to blame or share the responsibility. It's me. Just me. 

 

Combat the uncertainty. Determine your level of competence. Measure the risk.

If we assess the risk based on taking the action we desire, it must be balanced by determining the risk of taking no action. Just because something is known and "comfortable" does not mean it is low risk. Sticking with the status quo may incur a very high cost. 

Start doing and be fearless.

 

 

Five Year Plans

"They" say that people who write down their goals and steps to achieve them are considerably more successful than those who just rely on remembering their goals.  Do you ever wonder if this really makes a difference? Does having a five year plan really matter? If we are focused on the end-goal, what happens to all of the time in between? To be cliche`, are we missing out on the journey just to get to a destination? 

If you look up goal setting, you'll find SMART Theory - specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound (Dr. Edwin Locke). Most goal setting comes back to this practice, with some small variations. Clarity, complexity, challenge all come into play. Feedback is key too, which relates to a recent Wired article about the brain.   

It really comes down to your mindset about motivation, purpose and sense of self.  It seems plausible that you'd be more inclined to write down goals that you are actually interested in achieving. According to Timothy A. Pychy's article, "Don't Delay: Understanding Procrastination and How to Achieve Our Goals", our perception of the difficulty to achieve the goal is reduced by our increased interest level in the topic. The hard part of this is really figuring out what is interesting to you as an individual. And deciding how to keep the goal present in your daily routine. We need regular reminders about what we want, where we are going, how to get there and the reasons to keep going.  

It brings to mind a statement about yoga being a practice - yoga practice not yoga perfect. Take the time to be present and aware. Live in the moment as you want to be in the future. Be clear. Find challenging interests. Celebrate the success you find along the way. 

 

 

Street Poetry

I took this poetry writing workshop over a decade ago, and one of the useful things I learned was a techniques called street poetry. It requires paying attention to your surroundings and tuning in to what folks are saying.  Sometimes there are really great snippets, and other times it is hard to find anything worth listening in on.  You take all of these bits and pieces, and try to make poetry.  Give it a try.

Mistrust of instructors was the other nugget of knowledge from that workshop - the dude said he'd critique our poems and give suggestions on getting publish. Instead, he collected a bunch of our work and never gave it back. I've been on the lookout for a few of my pieces ever since...

Point is, I encountered a variety of statements over the weekend. I wasn't really sure what to do with them.  A random collection of thoughts is all we really have most days. Here's mine for what it's worth.

"So, I told this homeless guy. You should give me money because your net worth is probably greater than mine. I'm like -$435,000."

"He's such a good kid, I just want to take him home with me."

"I'm going through some mental health things of my own."

"Thanks for taking the time to connect the dots like that for me."

"Stupid people. There are just so many stupid people."

"That's great. You walk in and I'm touching my breast."

"Did you see xkcd?"

"Wuve u."

Capacitor.

As in Flux Capacitor. You know, from Back to the Future...Michael J. Fox...the oh-so-cool DeLorean. Either way, when I mentioned the name of my blog to my partner, this is what he said to me, "Flux? Flux capacitor?" It took me a moment to realize what he was referencing. I did eventually figure it out.  I told you I was married to a machine lush.  

This movie memory reinforced that men and women do seem to think about the world differently. We may get to the same place eventually, but the path that we take is often very different. (There is much to write on this subject, but I'll leave that for another time.) It also made me think about the phrase - Back to the Future.  We often define ourselves as independent women, capable of multitudes, but relapse into old roles with certain people. Think about it. Do you act a certain way around current friends versus friends from college (or even high school)? Do you resort to your teen/young adult ways around particular family members? (Think back to last Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanuka - whichever) When you are in these situations do you feel like Marty McFly? Desparate to find a way to transport yourself back to the future?  Are you looking for Doc Brown to arrive out of no where to rescue you?

I believe in a lot of science, but the chance of a plutonium-powered sports car appearing to carry you away is slim. Very slim. There is a higher likelihood that you can do something about the situation alone or with support from people who care about you.  It often comes down to how prepared you are to manage these situations. Reverting to certain roles is often a safety mechanism. A comfort zone. We know what works with certain people and groups, so we stick with it. Even when it does not work for us. Personal ideals and traits may sink into the background. Enduring is not living a fulfilled life.  Maybe we need to learn from Marty, and do something to intervene in the past so we can make the future better.

Do something different. Be yourself.

Just don't name any of your children Biff. Really. Biff?